What's on your mind today?

The above two photos were taken from my bedroom windows, which face directly east.  In the second picture, you can see the sun just peeking out from behind a small mound in the lower right.  That mound, in fact, is Mt. Diablo over in the east bay, near Walnut Creek, and is over 4000 ft high!  The plane you see has either just taken off from SFO or Oakland airport.

The following two pictures are from Fort Funston, just south of Ocean beach in San Francisco.  This park is where the dog lovers take their dogs, and hang gliders hang out.  It's amazing what beauty nature can create, always changing, always naturally, with no effort.

8:54 AM.  I'm listening to "To Love You More" by Celine Dion.  It's one of my favorite songs, melody-wise.  The song was introduced to me via a Japanese soap opera series which used it as the theme song.  I liked the story and the music stuck as well.  I wonder if I would've liked it as much if I hadn't watched the story?  I guess that's what life is all about - relationships.  Relationships with other people, with nature, with beliefs, with fear, with love.  The meaning of something changes drastically depending on the relationship you have with that something.  Of course this 'relationship' is a creative process, meaning that it isn't simply something that is there or isn't (chemistry).  We create and nurture relationships, and sometimes we destroy them as well.  What is right, what is wrong?  Can anyone ever really say?

I have been busy lately with my 3 classes and the 1 class that I'm teaching.  But all the while, I'm still hoping to meet a nice girl, and to create a loving relationship.  Yet it has been an uphill climb (which being an avid hiker, I dont mind so much), much like that of how I'm approaching my career.  I look in the personals section of craigslist.org and one after another, the ads read the same thing.  If my memory was any better, I could write one verbatim.  The funny thing is that many of these ads say that they're looking for someone special, yet they're all looking for the same thing!  So my question is then - does 'special' mean that you fit the 'normal' criteria of a desirable man in this society?  What is so special about that?  Yes, yes, it's special to that girl.  But come on, is this society so homogenized that everyone is looking for exactly the same thing?  The words that I see most frequently are: tall, financially secure - i.e. employed, and enjoy the finer things in life.  And unfortunately, I see these words most often in asian women's ads.  It's as if the stereotype about asian's priorities is justified.  In other ads, I sometimes see spirituality or a want to improve the world; something I connect with more.

Is my mode of thinking, my ideals so farfetched that no one else can or want to relate to?  There must be someone out there who isn't afraid to create her own reality, is aware of the connections among all aspects of life, and is striving to walk the talk, be on the edge, etc.  Maybe it's the war that has made many people shrink back and become more wanting to live 'luxuriously', since what happens tomorrow is unknown.  It's as people have given up and are saying that the world is the way it is and there's nothing they can do about it, so might as well 'drink it up'.  I have a rather opposite opinion on the war.  It is a clear signal to me that there are plenty we can do to make it a better world.  And most importantly, what we've taken for granted as 'normal' isn't working and it is really time to change that, or face extinction alltogether.  Fighting to maintain the current way of life will be just that - a fight.  It doesn't have to be this way!!!  We can have a win-win-win situation, but we have to admit our mistakes and put aside our fears and ignorance.  Why can't we all look at the long term consequences of our actions a little more, instead of narrowly focusing on tomorrow's pleasures?

paul
 

Up on McLaren park, I saw many older chinese folks, perhaps in their 50's and 60's.  There were very few younger people out and about exercising.  It is an unfortunate site for the weather is beautiful and the landscape is beautiful as well.  I thought to myself that all the young folks are killing themselves, getting fat and complacent, thinking that they're invincible just because they 'feel' physically ok.  Or maybe there aren't that many young people around here? (Portola district)  Nah, it is more likely that the young aren't exercising as much as they should, if at all.  Of course I kinda fall into that category also till lately I've noticed that I'm eating much more than I'm working it off.  Not to say that I'm getting fat (even 125lb at 5'7" would hardly be considered overweight for a guy) but certainly I can feel the sluggishness.  It is the muscles atrophying, perhaps not a matter of gaining fat.  Anyhow, I jogged a few days ago for the first time since moving up to SF and this time was able to sustain a non-stop stretch a little longer, so that's good.  I had hoped that the streets would be hospitable for jogging when I moved here but certainly the park is a nice surprise.  There were quite a few wildflowers in the park, blooming readily for the birds and bees.  The elderly stretched as a group and did tai-chi and other exercises.  It's no secret that you stay healthier that way.  The hills they climbed to reach the meeting areas are perhaps more than many younger folks can handle.  Endurance is key, this is not a sprint.

I've been taking a photography class, my first ever actually.  In it, we've been doing black and white photography and so for the first time, I developed my own film and then printed them, with the chemicals, the darkroom and all.  It's rather fun actually, though the amount of time necessary is quite substantial.  But right now i have a lot of time and going to the darkroom every other day or so is actually a joy despite the complaints that I and others might voice.  The progress of the class is evident in the prints that we've been showing to the class.

Oh yeah, war has started.  Not that this is an unimportant topic, I just hasten to mention it thus far because there's a lot that I think about on this issue.  Last Saturday was another anti-war protest, though this time, the war had already started (last thursday 3/20).  I had gone to two other peace marches in January and February.  All the protesting and marches have not gone in vain, despite what many people are ready to proclaim.  Despite the seriousness of the situation, many people, especially in the US, are unaware of the possible consequence of the US's actions on unilaterally declaring war on a country such as Iraq.  The effectiveness of the UN has been diminished and the progress that spirituality and religions have made over the past 100 years have been erased.  Like it or not, this is turning into a holy war, among other things.  Bush says "May God be with our troops..." and the Iraqis say "May Allah do his will..."  This separation and crutching on a 'higher' power to do one's bidding is dangerous at the least and deadly destructive at the worst.  And we're seeing the 'worst' emerging by both sides and all around (S. America, N. Korea, the ENTIRE world).  Fear is so rampant that we're relying on something 'else' to make the decisions which we should be making ourselves.  Bush never asked why God would want a war if God is all loving, yet Bush asks for God's assistance in keeping ther American troops 'safe'.  What hypocritical nonsense is this?  It is not a trivial matter to call Bush the reigning Hitler, yet there is some or perhaps a lot of truth to that.  Even Hitler went to heaven for he did only what he thought was the right thing to do.  Everyone is correct from his/her/its point of view.  We have to respect this and make efforts to understand why others think and feel the way they do.  To impose our beliefs on others by force will only make things worse.  The other issue is that despite the existence of Bush, Hitler, and Hussein, humans do still have free will and should be capable of going in a different direction from what these 'leaders' say we should.  The fact that we dont exercise our free will and blindly follow these 'leaders' is the real problem.  The problem isn't Bush or Hitler or Hussein, for they're only doing what they believe is right.  Yet 300,000 american troops are showing no free will, now that is scary.  What kind of country is 'free' when its so-called citizens do not think or act freely.  If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you?  Yet this is what is going on right now.  300,000 american troops and millions of citizens ready to do what Bush says is right, despite many facts to the contrary.  Anyway, if i keep writing, I'll be here forever so let me stop here.

paul

August 3, 2002 (Saturday)
9:48 PM.
Today was movies day.  Having now pretty much settled into my new apartment, I decided to do a movie marathon today.  The first one I saw was "Signs" with Mel Gibson.  Let's see, how did I like it?  Well, I hadn't much expectations, but still I was a little disappointed at the story itself.  The acting was pretty decent and there were many scenes that I felt were very artfully done.  Okay, go watch it yourself if you need to know more.  Everyone's entitled to his/her own opinions.  After "Signs", i hopped into "Austin Powers, Goldmember" just in time for it to start.  This was quite a funny movie, although I felt it was filled with too many slangs and curses.  I would definitely not encourage parents to bring kids to see it.  It is definitely a grown-up movie even while making all ages laugh.  And the third movie was "Read My Lips", a story about a semi-deaf woman who finds a partner/boyfriend through work.  I didn't know anything about the movie before watching it and was very pleased to have seen it.  It's a french movie and takes place in Paris (I recognized one of the scenes where one of the characters was going down a subway station).  Not exactly a happy ending, nor a peaceful one for that matter, but it was composed of great acting, an intriguing story, and a stirer of the soul.  What does that mean?  Well, it managed to show life's extremes and how possible it is for a person to swing to either ends, oftentimes unaware that he/she is doing so.  Ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like you can't possibly belong, yet you know you're in it?  Like being in a movie scene but you know it's really really happening.  The movie reminded me of an incident a few months ago in which I felt exactly that.  Ironically, the incident took place not far from Paris, relatively speaking.  I felt that I must be dreaming yet my physical senses told me I wasn't.  But then what really is dreaming and what is real?  That incident is but a memory now and what matters if it really happened or I just dreamed it?  Why make such a distinction?  We humans seem to want to separate the two but whatever happened in the past must stay in the past or we have no way of attending to the present.  Hm.... So much easier said than done, huh?

I'm typing this on my laptop computer.  Is it really there?  Somehow these words are being transmitted to you the reader from my thoughts.  Is it all just biomechanics and technology?  Where, pray tell, do thoughts come from?  Forget that thoughts somehow transmit electrical signals to the fingers and hands in order to press each key for each word, but just where do the thoughts originate?  What an amazing thing, this thing called life.  Or is life the right word at all?  Did we have such little understanding of what life is, and thus invented a word that includes everything between birth and death?  "Hi Daddy!", a child just yelled out, I heard outside my window.  What exactly does that mean?  Or perhaps the question is, "what exactly is exactly?"  Einstein came up with the theory of relativity and though many people interprets that as a matter of scientific issue, it is much much more.  One of the theories of relativity is that as you get closer to the speed of light, time slows down.  Time slows time?  And what happens when you're AT the speed of light?  Where does time go?  Ah, yes, you should ask that question, because if you dare to answer it, you might say "does it disappear alltogether?"  And if that is so, then ask yourself this next question "aren't we all moving at the speed of light relative to something?"  This isn't such a outlandish question if you can imagine yourself in a train next to another and as one of the trains begin to move, you struggle to figure out which one.  Relative to your train, the other train is moving, and the same can be said of your train if your friend was on the other train.  So now what?  The point is, time as we would LIKE to know and define, is not really there at all.  It is something invented by this relative world, almost as a way for the different parts of the universe to become aware of all the other parts of the universe.  It will appear as if you had taken a few minutes to read this paragraph that I've been writing, yet now that you have read it, is it not simply THERE in your mind?  Realizing that time doesn't exist takes away the anxiety we feel about needing to get things done "On time".  This doesn't lead to 'unproductiveness', but rather just takes away unnecessary stress and allows one to truly be creative with one's work/task.  Do you see what I'm trying to say here?  It's interesting, is it not?

Tomorrow is Sunday.  Some say God's day.  Yet why would God require that we reserve a day for god?  In fact, perhaps it's not a day for god at all, not in the sense that we reserve it to appease god, but that it's a day for ourselves, since we were made in the image of god, and thus are gods ourselves.  So yeah, keep a day to yourself, for isn't it true that during the week you're often not?  When you have realized who you are and are that all the time, you would no longer need a sunday, for everyday is a sunday, a holy day.  Good night!

paul

It is summer, 2002.  Almost sounds like the introduction to some movie or something, doesn't it?  "Coming in Summmmmmer, 2002."  The last movie that I saw was "Mr. Deeds" (July 6), a film with Adam Sandler inheriting 4 billion dollars from an uncle that he didn't know he had.  Longfellow Deeds, a simple young man, after inheriting the money, did not change, and was as good to the people around him as he always was.  But the people around him were greedy for his money and concocted this and that plans to derail him.  Of course, this being a movie, the 'righteous' prevail in the end of the movie.  From the earliest of acting and story-telling, we always try to stand on the side of the 'righteous', yet our society acts differently in everyday life.  Why is that?  Is it that we dont have the guts to live out our ideals?  We know the ideals is not simply a fancy car and house, yet that is what we work towards, day in and day out.  We see others having this or that and we want that as well.  Worse yet, we want something even better than what our friends have.  Anyway, let me not go into that right now.  I had watched "Minority Report" right before "Mr. Deeds" that day.  "Minority Report" is about using psychics and technology in the future to prevent crimes, specifically murders.  How was it? Well... ok I suppose.  Dont really have any desire to describe the movie.  It's just another movie exploring the 'evil' sides of our culture.  In a book i read, it was pointed out that "EVIL" spelled backwards is "LIVE".  Then I thought to myself "DEVIL" is D' EVIL (the-evil).  Whoever came up with these words, did they do this on purpose?

I digress.  The point of the previous paragraph was that while I waited for "Mr. Deeds" to show, I saw about half a dozen previews, each of which I CANNOT remember anymore, because I felt each of them were too violent, too stupid, or too manipulative.  Of course the movie theatre plays previews that they think would appeal to the audience who're there to watch the main movie, in this case, "Mr. Deeds". So as you can imagine, I was almost ready to leave by the time the previews were over.  But seriously, I was glad I stayed.  Although it's not a 'deep' movie, it was not shallow at all and afforded a few nice laughs (not at, but with the characters).

11:25 PM.
Last night I stayed up till about 3:30 AM working on some perl scripts.  Tonight I'll probably be up for a few more hours, writing this probably for all  that time, and chatting on the net.  A newly acquainted friend (you know who you are!) urged me to update this page.  It isn't that I haven't anything to write since last November, but probably there's too MUCH to write, and I wouldn't even know where to begin.  So let it be freestyle, the fastest swimming style!  (I bet MacGyver would prefer this, too! )

So what has happened in the last 8 months?  It would appear that I was in a pretty good mood when I last wrote (about life).  I'm still without a full-time job, but that shouldn't define me, should it?  Some people feel "naked" if they cannot say that they work at so-and-so, or live in so-and-so place, or have so-and-so girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife.  It's as if people can only define who they are by what others perceive of them.  In this society, we call this good manners, as in - that's the American dream, the way it's supposed to be.  But seriously, we've gone on enough with this nonsense!  Let's start defining ourselves without all those labels.  I give you an example.  A few weeks ago, I was checking out an apartment to move to.  The property manager, for some reason, asked where I had gone to school.  As if the school I went to should help determine if I'm more 'suitable' for the apartment.  And when one of the tenants of an adjacent apartment came out, the property manager introduced me to that tenant by "he is from (school name)".  I knew right there just how superficial the property manager was.  But sadly, she is not at all the aberrant, but rather she is the norm, especially among chinese, and especially immigrant chinese.  Gosh, I feel a flood of thoughts coming on for this subject but I really mustn't let it all out now.  But obviously, you can tell that I dont think it's the best thing for us to be so focused on all that.  Next topic...

On the subject of apartments, I am now writing in my new room, having moved most of my stuff here this past week.  I had been in one condo in Mountain View for about 6 years (twice: once for 1.5 yrs in 96 to early 98, and once for 4 yrs from late 98 to Jul 02).  Although I had always lived with roommates before, I never had issues until this past year.  That is yet another story all on its own so I'll leave that for later.  But I have been in that place for too long and it's time for a change.  This new place is smaller, noiser, more expensive, less convenient, etc.  Yet all that will hopefully be balanced by a better roommate situation, peace of mind, and less stress.

Stress, in most parts, are self-induced.  But it is possible that even if we dont intend to give ourselves stress, if we do not know how to block others from taking our energy, then we could lose energy to others who are in the business of stripping your energy, for their own sake.  We all do this to some extent, even when we have the best of intentions, and it's a full time job to be aware of that and to stop ourselves, or tone down.  I can feel my energy being drained in the presence of some people.  My ex-roommate was someone like that.  I would've liked to help him as I know the way he is now has been a product of how he was brought up, and i'm sure no one ever taught him otherwise.  But alas, if I can't even prevent him from taking my energy, how would i get through to him?  Geez, you see!!!!!  I'm talking about him even though in the previous paragraphs I said I wouldn't talk about it. See?  The energy leaves even (and especially) when you're not aware of it.

The best way to stop giving out energy is to stop thinking about that event, not to give it power, so-to-speak.  It's not the same thing as putting one's head in the sand, or covering one's eyes.  This "Not-thinking about it" is very very difficult.  Imagine if I told you to not think of a pink panda, what would you do?  You would immediately think of a panda and try to somehow paint it pink, even though you know full well that pandas are black and white, so what would you paint pink?  What used to black, or what used to be white, or both?  But if both, then is it still a panda?  What would it look like if it was one color?  Just like another bear?  ..........  How far and fast has your mind gone to think of the pink panda?  If you actually managed to not think of it, even for just a few seconds, then I congratulate you!  Thinking too much about something is like worrying about something, you just keep stressing out till you either get over it or break down.  Luckily for humans, the bodies are extremely flexible and can take a lot of abuse.  But it can only take so much abuse, before we put it beyond repair.   .... So now you're thinking about human bodies and its abuses, what if I were to tell you now again to not think of the pink pandas, could you?  ... I'm just messing with your mind so much right now, aren't I?  Yet the lesson here is that we have to train ourselves to control our own minds, instead of letting it being controlled by others.  Unfortunately, we have no such courses on self-mind control in schools.  In fact, ironically, we almost teach the opposite.  It is amazing that some students are still able to leave schools without being totally brainwashed.  But I think that is because the power of 'good' really does prevail, as in the fact that there are probably a small percentage of teachers who does advocate thinking for oneself, and that somehow gets through to the students.

12:09 AM (7/28/02)
Where am i?  Oh yes, energy and mind-control.  I'm learning that to be fully conscious is a difficult but worthwhile goal.  And one of the ways to achieve that goal is through meditation.  I'm learning how to "not-think" about something, through concentration, of all things.  If you think you have good concentration, think again.  True concentration means being able to pick and choose what you think about, and yet I'll bet that 98% of us have great difficulties controlling what we think we want to think.  Most of the time, our minds are so scattered, that we dont even remember what we've thought about, 20 seconds after we've thought it.  When that happens, it's time to collect oneself and calm down.

Time to wrap it up for today.  More later!

paul

We human beings have evolved to be such beings of awareness.  At the same time, however, it seems we are too aware of things that we needn't be so aware of and not aware enough of what really matters.  Sometimes this is evident in two different groups of people but oftentimes in the same person.  Our capacity for awareness has grown by leap and bounds, not unlike that of the technologies we have developed in the last quarter century alone.  Yet capacity does not always translate to quality.  It is true that with capacity, we can 'fit' in quality, but the question is, do we choose to?  That is what I mean by cusp - some parts of us do choose quality but other parts of us choose pure quantity.  An example of quality to me is the feeling of peace.  It isn't something you can externally measure but when you are at peace, you feel light, you feel everything is allright, everyone is allright.  An example of quantity is the amount of material things we are accumulating.  Each generation of humans seem to gather more and more material goods.  We seem to accept that the quantity somehow correlates directly with quality.  The more that we have materially, the happier, the higher quality of life we must have.  Why do we assume this and work towards it, at the expense of what our hearts are really telling us.  When we ask our hearts if any of the material things can make us happy, we honestly answer "yes", but then we realize that it's only 'yes' temporarily.  Material things aren't bad at all if we extract the quality aspects out from them.  It's when we treat the material things as strictly external to us, that we realize that the pleasure they bring to us is temporary and only have an effect when we are around them.  Why would we want to shackle ourselves to material goods, in an external way?  When we do so, we go mad if we run out of them, or if we can't get more.  If I depend on others' knowing that I own a Porsche to have a happy life, does that mean that in order to be happy, I have to drag around the car with me everywhere I go?  How troublesome that would be?  When you're unable to bring the car along one day, do you get depressed?  And what happens when someone else buys a newer, faster car, does that mean I have to get it, too, or I wont be as happy?  Why do we subject ourselves to such thinkings?  Let's examine this further another day.  Good morning :)

paul

Must be too much caffeine from the pearl-tea drink.  I dont particularly like it - just have it once in a while, esp after a hike, to cool off.  My head is surprisingly clear right now.  Actually haven't stayed up this late for a long long time.  It's a long weekend (memorial day) so I think I'll stay up a bit longer and just type away.  If you scrolled down, you'd see that I used to write a lot, esp in the beginning of this page.  And I still do write a lot, just not here.  It used to be that you kept everything in one journal or planner or something and that's all you need.  Nowadays, even with the palm pilot and whatnots, you can never be sure you know where all your documents are, and even if you did, you couldn't retrieve them easily.  You gotta make sure you've got the proper hardware and software and operating system, it's such a mess!  All the promises of technology seem to just put us farther and farther behind.  If you dont stop and think about what you're doing, you end up always trying to catch up with something.  There's never enough time for this and that, yet what exactly are we doing?  Do you know?  Have you asked yourself that lately?  And what was your answer?

The other day, the ceo sends out an email stating that we're at war with the competition.  And he was damn (excuse my language) proud of it.  It was to kill or to be killed was basically the message.  Unfortunately, he's not the only ceo stating such things.  And even more unfortunate - many employees, if not most, are buying such words as gospel.  How and why do we continue to support such mentality, when clearly such mentality is causing a lot of people a lot of pain.  In the name of competition and profitability, we forget the people that are hurt by them.  And the people that are hurt are not just the folks that get laid off or lose his/her portfolio value, but every last one of us, in this country and around the globe.  Everything we do affects everything else - it's not a fact that many would like to listen to, nevermind to believe it.

Take the recent technology bust - actually, if you think about it, it wasn't a technology bust.  It was a business bust, caused by excess greed, pure and simple.  Technology has been improving and will continue to improve.  It is the business side of things that is helping us destroy ourselves.  In marketing, you are taught (or maybe "Ordered") to come up with ideas and campaigns that will sell your product, regardless of its usefulness or absolute necessity.  Come people, can we at least admit that human being (at least in the US) have gone wayyyy behind the point of needing certain things to survive?  Every true material necessity in our lives are already met with little effort - a place to live, food, clothing, transportation.  There is NOTHING (materially speaking) that we absolutely need anymore.  So why do commercials and companies want to make you believe that you absolutely need this and that?  Pure and simple - greed.  But the greed is not concentrated in the minds of the ceos of the world, it is embedded in our entire society, taught as gospel from as young as we can remember, even before we're born sometimes.  "More is better, bigger is better, faster is better, only the strongest survive".  Why are we still using such slogans?  How much longer do we really think we can live like this?  I know I sound pessimistic right now but in actuality, I am very hopeful for a better future, but I want to write down my thoughts about the possible future if we dont turn things around now.

If we dont stop and think about what we're doing to ourselves, we can look forward (or dread is perhaps the more accurate term) to perhaps the following:  every nation will want to be like the US and have the main objective of materialism.  This will bring about such an increase in the use of natural resources that no matter how much environmentalists try to protect the earth, there will never be 'enough' for everyone.  We'll exhaust everything and no one will be happier or more fulfilled with life.  The standards of living will both increase and decrease at the same time.  The increase in the number of 'things' one will have will be met with a decrease in the number of non-material 'things' one used to have - family, time, respect.  We claim the more things we have, the more productive we become.  Excuse me, but why do want to make productivity the aim of human kind?  That is the job of robots and automatons, not humans.  The aim for us should be happiness, creativity, peace, and last I checked (and you can do the research yourself or simply ask yourself honestly), none of these things are directly related to productivity.  In fact, if anything, there may be an inverse relationship. The United States is a great country, but it has taken the concept of capitalism and productivity way too far, far beyond what was perhaps originally meant by the founding fathers.  Here's a startling figure (i may be off a few percent here and there, but you can check me if you like) that should get you thinking.  The US has 6% of the worlds population, yet consumes more than 40% of the world's resources.  And everyday, we are either encouraging other countries to be the same as us, or we're exploiting other country's resources, including their people.  I live here and am wholly grateful for all that this country has done for me and the millions of people who come here for a better life.  I would be lying if I said I thought the US is a bad country or has bad people.  I think the US has always been a leader since its founding 230 years ago.  In technology, in human rights (with two major blemishes - slavery and native americans), in politics, in law, and in accepting people from all walks of life, including different religions and ethnicities.  We've just gone too far in one direction and we need to regroup and take a good look at the examples we're showing and as a nation, set new examples for the world yet again.

The environment is a perfect example.  The US produces something like over 25% of the world's CO2 and by now, there can be no argument made that this doesn't have an adverse effect on the world's climate.  Maybe we wont experience the calamities caused  by such climate changes in our generation, but why would we take that risk?  Do we not want our children and their children to live without fear of man-made natural disasters?  Carpe Diem - live for the day.  I think we forget that each day adds up, and living for each day means to live it well.  We've distorted the 'well' definition to mean reckless use of our environment, our bodies, and our minds.  We've distorted 'well' to mean instant gratification at any expense, even if it means no tomorrow.  How is this possibly living well?  It is 'well' only because we've been taught this way.  As a society, we should redefine 'well' to mean gratification with no regrets.  Isn't that the best kind of 'well'?  If you do things you know you wont regret, you will truly enjoy the day.  If you drink two beers today, if you thought deeply about it, wont you regret it months or years later when you find out that you have liver or heart disease because of the alcohol, or that your daughter became an alcoholic because she watched you drink and thought it was cool?  Wont you regret it when the only time that you drove drunk, you hit and killed someone or your own family, or be killed by another drunk driver?  Would you not regret ever touching the beer?  I suppose some people would say no, but I certainly would say yes.  If I was locked up and disconnected with all mankind, hidden underground somewhere, and I drank, maybe - just maybe I wont affect someone else.  But mankind doesn't live like that.  We interact with other people, from coworkers to family and friends.  What I do will certainly affect them, as what they do will affect me.  If I spent 30 seconds thinking about the consequences, I would not drink, no matter how harmless it may seem on the surface.  And knowing that I did not contribute to something that may be regrettable, I will have lived 'well'.  I would live even better if I was able to help someone else realize the risk and stop them from doing something regrettable.  The point is, we as a nation, have to ask ourselves how to live without regrets, how to truly live well.  If we think through, instead of just relying on pleasures of the physical senses, we'll use so much less, and setting the example to the world, we can help reduce the resource consumption rate.

I dont think our economy needs to expand as measured by dollars.  Our economy needs to expand as measured by true wellness to the people - physically, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps the most important - spiritually.  Until we realize this, we'll continue to produce and push for a lifestyle that is harmful to the environment and to the people.  George Bush is not helping, neither is Alan Greenspan, and the majority of politicians and corporations.  We dont need more money to spend on things we dont need, we need to think about what truly brings forth happiness.  We know it isn't money, sex, drugs, or power.  Do you know that feeling that you have when you're just sitting with someone you love or standing at the mountain peak overlooking the lush valley below?  Would you not consider that happiness?  Isn't it ironic that such things are often free?

Gosh, it's 5:10 am now and I've wandered all over... it's a good night for contemplation, that's all.  Goodnight!
 

There is no beginning, there is no end,
    There is only change.
There is no teacher, there is no student,
    There is only remembering.
There is no good, there is no evil,
    There is only expression.
There is no union, there is no sharing,
    There is only one.
There is no joy, there is no sadness,
    There is only love.
There is no greater, there is no lesser,
    There is only balance.
There is no stasis, there is no entropy,
    There is only motion.
There is no wakefulness, there is no sleep,
    There is only being.
There is no limit, there is no chance,
    There is only a plan.

Interesting, is it not?  This was communicated to the author, not with conventional words of course, but with thoughts.  The author speaks of numerous encounters with those who have just lost their physical life and have yet to realize that they are physically dead.  They are confused and refuse to admit they are dead because they feel fine.  Then the author slowly helps them to realize that they are no longer on the earth plane and that they are now free to move as never before. Why was the author given this ability?   He talks about this in depth though i still can't quite figure it out, as neither can he, i believe.  If it were so easy to figure out, it would not be worthwhile.  Or a even more plausible reason is that it can't be figured out, not in the way we think about things anyway.

He talks about some of his past lives and how many of those have come to influence him in the current life.  Like a love for the ocean, architecture, flying, etc.  Each love can be traced back to something that had occurred in another life, either as a human or something else.  In reading the book, i wonder why i choose this particular book, why it stood out among the thousands available. Why do i have interest in these things while those around me turn their eyes at the first mention of spirituality?  That is my project right now, to discover all there is on what is out THERE.  And THERE i mean here and beyond.

By the way, my six fishes are doing great!  They don't seem to have grown, but i see them everyday so perhaps it's not noticeable to me.  I bought them some toy water plants for shelter and just to create a more comfortable environment, so i hope anyways, since i can't read their mind.  Is it not cruel that we constrain the fish to a world that is but 20 gallons in volume?  They will never know what a stream is like or if other fishes exist other than those that they see.  What about us humans?  We think we have freedom to move about, to make things, to meet other people, but is it that simple?  We could be pets to a bigger reality, perhaps we are pitied by this reality, as i pity my fishes. Well, whatever the case, i am glad i have at least the freedom to think about it, to imagine what else there is aside from physical reality.

The sun is still out... perhaps I'll take a ride up the trails later on.  It's so nice to leave work with the sky still bright :)  When does the time savings end?  That'll tack on another hour of daylight, yeah!  Hey, did i mention i have some goldfishes now?  Well, actually, i had bought 3 of them back in September of last year when i moved back to Mt. View but a few weeks ago, disease from a new batch of fishes from the Pet Club wiped everybody out :(  Last week I got a new (used) 20 gal tank and 6 new goldfishes.  Three pairs - small, medium, and large.  So far, they look very healthy and happy.  The biggest one is black and has bulging eyes.  I'm calling it Simon cuz he's the leader of the pack, or so he was in the beginning.  These new fishes have big appetites!  Or maybe they just don't know when to stop eating.  Or is it the bigger tank and therefore more exercise, thus more food required?  Hard to say what it is but as long as they stay disease free and happy, i'll feed them as much as they want to eat, which of course I don't really know how much...

As I sit here in my room, yet again in front of the computer, i can't help but wonder just what it is I am doing.  On a saturday such as this, I spoke more words to myself than to those around me.  Let me explain.  I did two things that I enjoy the most today.  In the morning, I got up rather early (for a saturday) and like I usually do, I get on AOL, if nothing but to check for email.  Sometimes I don't even know why I bother with that, but that is another story for another time. So on AOL, on my buddy list, I see one of the technicians I know from work, so I send him a message. It took him a few minutes to respond and when he did, he asked me to wait a bit cuz he was showing his mom his 401K plan.  When he was done with that he asked me what I was doing up so early.  I told him that I had gone to bed early the night before and in turn asked him why he was up so early.  He said he was getting ready for work.  And he mentioned getting a tour with a different department today which he might be interested in joining.  He sounded so excited, so optimistic.  I told him to go for it if he sees potential and the department is willing to train him.  As the minutes ticked by, I reminded myself that I promised to go hiking today, and so I bid him goodbye and left my apartment.

I needed gas but before going to the gas station, I went to Safeway to buy some food for the trip.  I hadn't decided where to go but I was determined to go somewhere.  Having purchased a sandwich and some breads, I turned onto the roadway and proceeded to the gas station where I promptly filled up like I always do.  Coming out of the roadway, i had to choose a direction, to a trail.  I still had not made up my mind on Mission Peak, Monte Bello, or Ranch Pond, none of which are exactly close to each other.  But coming out of the gas station, I committed myself onto going on Rt 85, which kicked mission peak out of the selections.  Rt 85 would take me to Saratoga which a few miles more down would be Ranch Pond, one of my favorite spots in all of the bay area.  I discovered the little-known pond during my first months in california back in 96.  In searching for low-cost getaways, I found myself one day at a trail that went rather steeply up and rather deserted. (It is now 8:50pm, i'll be right back... going to get the mail.  9:00pm. no good mail, just bills and notices I could care less to note)  So anyhow, I went up that trail and by the look of the map, it could've gone on for miles.  The trail was steep and I didn't know how much longer it would be before it would level off. But it didn't matter, I was excited about finding a new place and I didn't expect anything so beautiful when I finally got to the top of the trail and the pond appeared. It must have been early summer when I found the pond and ever since when I wanted somewhere to go that I knew i would like, that's where I would go.  And today, I thought I would go there since Rt85 would take me there. But as I got onto the freeway, I changed my mind seeing that the weather looked fairly clear and visibility was pretty good.  I switched to 280 north and decided to go up Pagemill Rd up to Monte Bello open space reserve.  A Camero or some other sports car followed me up and as much as I tried to outrun him, i could not with my 91 maxima.  It's not that i was trying to outrun him but that I usually loved driving that road at decent speeds.  And the speeds were usually enough to distance myself from any traffic that may be initially following me.  But not today and at first I wanted to blame my car for losing some horsepower, but then i thought it might be just me, losing my passion for driving the curving roads.  In either case, I pulled over to let the other car go by, it's probably the first time I had done that  on that road.  But that isn't the point here.

Monte Bello's parking lot was rather empty when I got there at about 9:45am.  There were but two other cars there, one was the sports car that passed me earlier.  The visibility in the mountains was a good 10-20 miles.  If it weren't for the low clouds and bit of smog to the west, i probably could've seen the ocean today.  My destination was Black Mountain, some 2.5 to 3 miles from the lot.  I had biked that trail before but mostly just hiked there.  Water was back in the mountains, it was running along the trail in some places and in the creeks in fairly full force.  It wasn't too green yet and many seasonal trees were still leafless but the evergreens kept the mountainscapes pretty.  I hadn't hiked that distance for a while, it felt good to be out there, breathing the clean air, hearing the little birds scrambling in the bushes.  There weren't any other hikers on the trail but I did run into some bikers and backpackers who were heading for the camp half-a-mile from Black mountain.  At the top on a clear day you could see as far as mt. diablo and SF's cityscapes, but not today.  But the views were still spectacular.  I could try to describe it to you but that's a rather lame excuse for pretending to be talking to a friend about it.  I'm probably just writing here cuz I feel I have no one that'll listen, not just hear me talk, but listen to what i said.  I'm not in the best of moods today even though I did two of my most favorite things.

So after i got to black mountain, i turned back and took a slightly different trail back to the parking lot.  A couple of people were sitting by the trail map, talking, chatting, taking it easy.  Little do they know that I envy them.  A simple conversation between friends, doing something they both enjoy.  How wonderful that would be at this moment.  But alas, i suppose it's not my turn.  I looked at the time and it was about 11:35am so I decided to go to the movies and at least watch "Saving Private Ryan".  I went to Shoreline's Century theatre.  There were a lot of cops along the way.  Extra presence to discourage people from drinking this valentine's day weekend?  Anyhow, the movie.  It was brutal, gut-wrenching, and emotional.  Not a flick for those unaccustomed to seeing realistic blood and flying body parts from other than a stupid brainless action pic we have so many of nowadays.  It wasn't Tom Hank's best piece but it was more than a well made movie.  It shows the horrors of war and the humanity that exists even in man's darkest hour.  Funny thing is I just realized that "humanity" could also mean the worse parts of being on top of the animal kindom.  When animals fight to defend their territories or young, they do it without arms, without 'cheating'.  How ironic that man has advanced himself to live a longer life than almost any animal on earth, and at the same time, devised weapons that take away lives faster than ever.  I guess it's true that man is his worst enemy.

I watched another movie after "Saving Private Ryan".  It was "Message in a bottle".  It was about a reporter who found a bottle on the beach one day and who was so touched by the content of the message inside the bottle that she set out to find the person who had written the message.  Through the story's ups and downs, the message is clear - that love can find its way home, even if it was lost or that you had forgotten to leave the light on for the love to find home.  As tragic as the story would end, it nevertheless gives hope to those out there still searching.  I suppose everyone keeps a message or two in a bottle somewhere, hoping that someone will find it one day and read the messages with as much heart as you have spent in writing them.

I wrote tonight.  I hardly spoke to anyone today.  There was no one to speak to out loud.  And i guess in some way i felt i wanted to be alone today.  Or maybe i just don't have a choice?  Lately i've felt deserted by friends, or is it just my imagination that people just aren't who you think they are.  Whatever.  here's to a better day tomorrow. End.  10:45pm.

Paul

 Vampires

 **********The Dawn of Light********

 ....

 "Is it possible for a vampire spirit to possess itself of a sufficient amount of materiality to appear in mortal form and mingle with men as describd in many of the tales told of such creatures?"

"If you mean to ask if the vampire can make to itself a material body, I say no, but it can and does sometimes take complete possession of one belonging to a mortal, just as other spirits do, and can cause its acquired body to act in accordance with its will. Thus it is quite possible for a vampire spirit clothed in the mortal body of another to so change its expression as to make it bear some resemblance to the vampire's own former earthly appearance, and through the power obtained by the possession of a material body he (or she, for the vampires are of both sexes) might really lead the curious double life ascribed to them in those weird tales current and believed in, in many countries. By far the larger number of vampire spirits, however, are not in possesison of an earthly body, and they hover about the earth in their own astral envelope, sucking away the earthly life of mediumistic persons whose peculiar organization makes them liable to become the prey of such influences, while they are themselves quite ignorant that such beings as these astrals exist. The poor mortals suffer from a constant sense of exhaustion and languor without suspecting to what it is to be attributed."

"But cannot spirit guardians protect mortals from these beings?"

"Not always. In great measure they do protect them, but only as one may protect a person from infectious fevers, by showing them the danger and warning them to avoid spots where, owing to the associations with their earthly lives, the vampire spirits are specially attracted. This the guardian spirit does by instilling into the mind of the mortal an instinctive dread of the places where crimes have been committed, or persons of evil lives have lived. But since man is andmust be in all respects a free agent, it is not possible to do more. He cannot be directed in all things like a puppet, and must in a great measure gather his own experience for himself, however bitter may prove its fruts. Knoweldge, guidance and help will always be given, but only in such a manner as will not interfere with man's free will, and only such knowledge as he himself desires; nothing will ever be forced upon him by the spirit world."

*************

       In case some of you don't recognize the midi played in the main page, let me give you a hint. It's a theme song to a movie where the main character decided to run around the world a few times just because it felt good. And although his mental IQ may not exceed that of a child, his heart IQ is probably higher than most of us could even imagine. If you haven't guessed it by now, you probably haven't seen the movie :) It's Forrest Gump. How ironic that it takes a man with a child's mind and a saint's heart to show us that humility still exists and how wonderful of a feeling it brings to us all. Tom Hank has got to be one of the all time best actors.

       It's Thanksgiving weekend, hope everyone had a good one. Eat a lot? Laugh a lot? Hug a lot? Caught up on family gossip? :) It's a family holiday, it truly is. Even more so than Christmas in a way since by Xmas, you've already probably met up with many family members already, whereas thanksgiving is essentially the first time all year the family rejoins. It's a time to reflect back on what happened this year, to see what changes have happened and how you would like to improve in the future. At least that's how I feel.

      I dragged myself to a dinner party last night. Why do i say dragged? Well, it's cuz I didn't want to go by myself. The party was meant for people to meet new friends, but I was afraid if i went by myself and couldn't strike up a conversation with anybody there, that I'd feel even worse than if I had just stayed home. Well, I was kinda right in that I didn't really strike up any conversation with anybody I felt really comfortable with. I stayed a few hours and just watched on, not having such a bad time really, but just happy to see others having a good time. It's easy to complain and whine about things that aren't going so smoothly, but at the end, complaining and whining doesn't do any good. It only reminds you of what you don't have instead of how you should resolve your complaints. Alas, it has been a good year, a lot happened, not all good I must admit, but it's been interesting. A couple of jobs, a couple of moves, met a couple of new friends, went to a couple of new places... All in all, not an uneventful year yet in many ways it didn't go as I had hoped. Then again, I didn't really think about what I wanted 1998 to be back in 1997. For 1999, I think I'll do more planning.

       Howdy. Did you like the Enya song I just put up a few days ago? I tried downloading a mp3 version of it and only got about 90 seconds worth so somehow I stumpled onto the midi version and downloaded the whole thing. It's a light-hearted song, isn't it?

      Today I went to Berkeley labs in the morning and was greeted with a car on fire on University Avenue. By the time I passed by it, the fire engine has just about put the fire out though there was still tons of smoke. Then on the way back to Palo Alto, on Rt 80, there was a three car accident. If I had gotten on the freeway a few minutes earlier, one of the three cars could've been mine. Scary thought. But aside from that, the meetings with the folks up at the lab went well and more work might be in store. Other than some work to catch up on, life has been pretty good. There's still something missing but that thing can't be rushed :) Something might be in the works though, so wish me good luck!

      Sunny day, yeah! But i'm watching the NBA semi's today, maybe still can go out for a little bit afterwards. Still trying to figure out the meaning of life... does anyone have any ideas on that? Care to share your point of view? For a while years ago, I was really into the alternative definitions of the state of being. Why is it so hard to know what you want? It is because we have too many choices? Why is the goal to have an impressive career more admirable than something else like a goal to have a nice family? Guess we're too caught up on the material things nowadays, especially since the market has been in such a run lately. GRE, GMAT, CS-GRE. Just some things I can keep myself occupied with for a while. See you later! 

       Hi, has it been over a month since I last wrote here? Wow, how time flies! You'll notice a new link from the main page labelled "Poems". In that page are a few poems (or at least I consider them poems to myself) that I wrote up way back in the fall of 1993. Wow, that was quite a long time ago huh? I think i wrote all of those in a matter of a few hours. I haven't written since. See if you can guess what kind of mood I was in when I wrote all that. I can tell you that I wasn't very satisfied with the world back then, especially technology. I think we all go through this phase sometimes during our lives. We wonder why we do what we do, why study this or that? Why make money? What in the world is the whole point of all this? Although the answers to some of those questions are still elusive to me right now, at least I can honestly say that I am more content now with my role in this existence - in relation to others and to myself. Cuz you know, we're not alone, right? We're never alone although sometimes we feel like no one else knows us out there.

       Hey, I'm a-moving next weekend! Moving on with life, moving on to a different career. Don't know about you'all, but my 1998 has been quite eventful so far which was something I had hoped for. You know something? Any of you out there that aren't happy with where you're at right now, MAKE the damn change! Of course it isn't going to be easy. I didn't say it would be, but come on, why would you want to torture yourself doing something you don't enjoy, especially when the economy is doing so well right now? If there is any time to change, this is IT! I can't tell you how much difference it has made to my life. And perhaps I'm not qualified to say this cuz i'm only 25, but it is NOT too late for anyone. When you are DEAD, then it is too late.

 Looking forward to the future = )

       Hello you'all. Why is the world "hello" composed of "hell" and "o"? Oh well, anyway, how're you doing? How was everyone's new years? I wonder who's been reading my homepages lately. The count has been going up, but I don't know who. Maybe I'll hand out some cookies hehehe. Anyway, whynot drop me an email and let me know what you'd like me to add or change to these pages?

       So, any new year's resolutions anybody? I was in SF's Union Square for the countdown. Of course there's no clock there so there wasn't much of an official countdown, not like the huge digital clocks they had in Las Vegas last year. Although there were infinitely more people in Vegas than in downtown SF for the countdown, the crowd was rowdier in SF cuz they were mostly teens and young adults in their 20's. In Vegas, the crowd was still predominately young folks but there were more mature folks too and the town is simply mroe prepared for it. There were many police officers in SF dressed up in riot gear... not sure if they were all that necessary.. and why were they all lined up anyway? Shouldn't they be spread out here and there to maintain sproadiac outbreaks of excitement? Anyhow, it was a neat experience.. maybe next year i'll go spend the new years in nyc. As if!! =)

       How's everyone's new year going so far? Any major changes? I suppose I may be the only that went through a job change in the past month... now I'm kindda working up in Berkeley.. no, not the school, but close to it. You can actually see some of the work i've done for that project over the net, but right now, I'm not sure which server it'll be on yet so can't give you the URL :) And as if you cared!! Haha. Ok, enough for this sunday, talk to you soon! Oh, one more thing, if any of you want to know about a semi-new graphics format specifically formulated for the net, give me a buzz. I've been using it for the berkeley project, it's called PNG - portable network graphics, and it is gorgeous!!! It takes up even less room than a GIF, a fraction of JPEGs, but the quality is phenomenal. Again, its files are denoted with the extension .png, and yes, you prounce it like 'ping'. Oh, another phrase people use for PNG is "Png, Not Gifs", haha. It certainly deserves the second phrase. 

Hey, whatcha think of the rotating snowflake? I make it myself =) Okok, i know it's the easiest one there is, but heck, it still takes a bit of work right? And nope, the time stamp isn't wrong, it is about 5:30AM right now. It's winter so the sun isn't peeking out yet but I suppose it will soon enough. Why am i up so late? Well, i got up late and had some work to do, so there I am! :-) I actually feel pretty good right now, the head is starting to get a little heavy but still I can think fairly ok. Maybe I'll read this tomorrow and see a g'zillion spelling and grammer mistakes. So be it :)

      I'm not gonna say anything heavy today, it's too close to christmas :) Here's wishing each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and a Magnificient New Year!

      This is how I kinda feel today - empty although in sight of probably treasures. My mind is so stubborn... i wonder if there's any way to stop it from thinking so negatively lately. So things aren't going well, but everyone says to just be happy with what i have and don't think too much. I can't do it! I wonder if this is how people wind up homeless? Sure sure my situation is nowhere close to what they have to go through, but could this be how it all gets started? NOOOO, I CAN"T let myself drown, no!! I won't do it, i can't do it! As much as I would sometimes think that I make absolutely no difference to this world, I must be doing something, or else I wouldn't even be alive today. Maybe it is time to make an appointment for that fortune-telling session. Haha, what good would that do? Ok, done complaining. Seems that's all I do lately... I apologize to those of you that care about me regarding my whiny attitudes lately. I will do my absolute best to not sound so down and depressed all the time. Trust me, I used to be one hell of an optimist, i suppose i still am in some aspects. But I've lost a few steps here and there, maybe buying myself some new sneakers will help. What do you think?

Hey BART! No, not Bart Simpson, son of Homer, the San Francisco Bay Area BART! It stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit and I took it for the first time today since arriving in SF. I have to say that it's a pretty good system, not particulary different from any of the other above-ground (or if compared to Boston's T - underground as well) city trains. The ticketing system is different from anything other system i've been on. You get a tick with some cash credit on it, and the way that the credit is deducted is by you registering the ticket twice - once at the start when you enter, and once more at the destination when you exit. It is rather pricey though. A trip from Fremont to Berkeley was $3.10 one way. Total mileage is perhaps no more than 25 miles. But it is fairly comfortable, clean, and fast. 

       What do you suppose would happen if you had to deliver something to someone say in Daly City, but you can arrange it so that the pickup person just waits for you at the exit of the BART station, thus u don't really have to exit yourself. Then you turn around and take the BART back to your starting station and exit where you entered. Do you get credit deducted from the ticket?  I mean, technically, you did not go anywhere since you did not leave the station, but some time will have elapsed to accomplish your delivery. But then you can claim that you went in to wait for a neice and you had to be inside the station to greet her. Thus, why should you pay for anything if you enter and exit at the same station? Maybe if i'm real bored one day, I'll go and try that. Except of course, i'll pick a short route - just one station difference so i don't have to waste a lot of time experimenting the theory.

And thus starts (or ends) another day in the mind of Paul the Tourist :)

Hiya, can everyone see the difference in the font face? Wait, let me go take off these contacts.. I always have a bad habit of wearing them too long...Ok, I'm back.. now, what shall we talk about today? Well, it is only 10 days before Christmas, so maybe we should talk about that, what do you think? Would anyone like to contribute a story?? I promise I'll give you good publicity! :) Actually, I've been meaning to register my pages with a search engine but I think that might cost a bit, so maybe i'll just stick with word-of-mouth advertisement for now :)

       It is simply amazing what you can do with computers nowadays. If you're a Karoake fan, you can get software to play on the computer or through the internet and you'll have more songs than u know what to do with. Someone even passed along a little program that puts up christmas lights around the border of my screen and it flashes red and green - quite cute actually. it's for the PC so if anyone's interested, let me know and i'll email it to you. 

       I guess I didn't talk too much about Christmas... well, you know, we chinese don't necessarily treat Christmas with as much pizzaz and excitement as the others. I do remember when I was much younger that we did put up Christmas trees and poinsettias - afterall, we were in the greenhouse business. Come to think of it, we were really into it back then. We had lights inside and outside, and of course sometimes it would snow around xmas so that was nice too. I remember I used to always ask for model planes or ships - not the expensive stuff - i'm talking about the cheap plastic type that cost like $10-$25. I loved those aircraft carrier models with those tiny planes - dozens of them. It was so cool to line them up on the top deck of the carrier and pretend you had a whole fleet at your command. I think i threw away most of them by now... couldn't figure out what to do with them...

Does anything last forever in this short life of ours? You know..? I'm at an age where I want to experience new things but I also want things that will last... a home, a family... maybe i look young, but I certainly don't sound it sometimes, as some of you know. :) It's a good thing that we have a lot of lifetimes to learn what we set out to learn huh?

It's Friday!! Hm... don't feel much when I just wrote that, oh well! :) No matter! Anyone doing anything exciting this weekend? I gotta get some new shoes... hehe, my old colleagues always made fun of my sneakers with more holes than there are shoe laces. alsmot the new year so whynot start afresh? I did a cleanup of my closet a few weeks ago. Found a lot of things that I shouldn't have kept all these years. Hey, does anyone know if we can recycle magazine-material paper? I hate to throw it in the trash but it seems that the recycle bins only take white-paper to newspaper types, since they usually don't contain oil and other icky stuff.

       Anyone guess the music being played now? It's theme song to "Twin Peaks" - or so that was what I read when I downloaded the file. It's kinnda soothing, reflective, and reminescent of 'things'... i like it :)

      As some of you know, I am in the market somewhat and as you know, the market has been battered severly in the last few weeks and has been extremely unstable in the last few months. I was reading some postings by fellow investors this morning for a stock that i owned which has essentially dropped to nil... I had been pretty frustrated with it since it appears that we were fooled with its potential and have lost all our hard-earned dollars. But the truth is we are still so much better off than so many people, at least we have our health, food to eat, clothing... I guess my clock is running slow cuz Thanksgiving's already passed, but I am thankful.

      Hello again, wonder what I'm doing writing this at 4:45pm on a Wesday? Well, i'm sure some of you know that I am in a transitional period right now and if I continue with the commentary from last time, I don't quite know what kind of caterpillar I am yet or if it will ever turn into a butterfly. Hm... as long as I am a caterpillar, there is a chance to become a butterfly, right? It's just a matter of time and what kind of butterfly I become, right?

     Ever wonder what in the world you were put on this earth for? Ever feel the loneliest when you're in the midst of everybody? Does ANYBODY understand?? YO!! ANYONE?? Sometimes I just don't understand why I have the attitudes that I have, the ideas that I have, the feelings that i carry around. How were they formed? And WHY doesn't anybody else seem to have similar thoughts?

     I never thought i would have all these frustrations about the future. Life was supposed to be simple you know? But along the way, something always happens and why? Anybody know why? Sometimes the things that happen are so devastating that we don't want to go on anymore. I know I've been there a few times and my friends certainly have been there too - much worse than I sometimes. But if we give up now, we would not be human, right? The only reason human beings are not preys to other animals is that we can think and make decisions and we typically have many more options than other animals. If we can't always get what we want in life, we should at least give it our best shot - at least be a human. You certainly never see a wild deer go up to a lion and say "eat me, i don't like what has happened to my habitat and i can't find any other deer that loves me". A rather stretched example perhaps, but isn't that what some of us humans do a lot of times? We claim that we don't like this and that, but the bottom line is that we do have the option to change it. As hopeless as it may seem at times, the only ones holding us back from making changes is ourselves.

     And if you're not happy with where you are, isn't it the human thing to make a change? What's the worst that could happen? Things will be a little hard, ok - maybe very hard, but there is a tomorrow and we can choose to make tomorrow a better day. And if we plan a little, we can make things happen that will bring us happiness.... a little too idealistic? Maybe this IS reality.

The music playing now is Yanni's "One Man's Dream". How do you like it? It's amazing what you can find on the web nowadays... I've found at least 5 distinct types of music files, including .WAV, .MP3, .RA, .MID, and .XM. And the best part is, if you can get onto some of these sites (they often limit the number of users connected to the servers to cut down on conjestion), you can download some really great music for FREE. The *.MP3 filees are mpeg music files that average a little less than 1 MB per minute, but gives just about full CD quality sound. So a song like Phantom of the Opera (about 5 minutes) would take about 4.5 MB. The music you are listening to right now is a midi file, the smallest of the sound files i know of. As you can imagine, all that the midi file would need to contain are the notes and what instruments to synthesize. Most of the other sound files digitize the sounds from analog form, thus requiring oodles of spaces.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Safe travels.

How was everyone's thanksgiving? Don't forget to exercise for the next three weeks for two reasons: 1) to lose the weight you gained with all the stuffing yesterday, and 2) to increase your metabolic rate in preparation for the Christmas season! *_^ (that's a wink!). Does anyone know how to set up a page so that people can post it and let everyone else see it as well? Kind of like a 'delayed' chat- posting system. Well, I'll figure it out, how hard could it be right?? :)

It's a sunny day!! What shall we do today?

Not long now... in fact, just one more week till i'm officially off my current company's payroll. What a weird feeling. Not too good of one either cuz I haven't found the next job yet. Anyway, let's not talk about that today. Do you know what you are listening to right now (assuming you have a sound system)? It's Totoro's theme song, kinnda cute, don't you think? Are you an anime fan? Most chinese kids are, and if you watched a few of them, you'd understand why it's so easy to love them. I haven't seen too many myself but it's never too late right?

What's everyone doing this Thanksgiving? My family sort of used to kind of celebrate it. Well, we're chinese so it's not really a holiday for us but way back when i lived in NJ, we would invite a few family friends over for dinner... haven't done that in a really long time now. I'm not sure if i miss that since it's been so long. You get used to things, you know? But there are things that should not be 'gotten' used to, especially when YOU know you shouldn't get used to it. That's how we build up bad habits and we would say "well, that's just the way it is." I know I certainly haven't done enough to make my life as productive as I know i can and want to. That's one of the reasons I'm changing my career.. so often i wish I could be like other successful silicon valley professionals but maybe i just don't have what it takes? I now understand why I saw people in undergrad who seemed to be much older but still studying fundamental stuff. Looks like I might be one of them one of these days. I made some bad decisions in the past, it doesn't matter what other may say about my current status, I'm not satisfied and I'm not going to settle, at least not yet. See you at the finish line!

Correction. What does this mean to you? October correction, does that mean anything? That's what some people are calling the US stock market decline in October. Nobody now seems to be too concerned about what may have been called a crash 10 years earlier. The market as a whole is still in a Bullish state, a long one which attracted millions of new investors, including myself. The advent of discount brokerage services such as E*Trade and Datek which keeps commissions low by executing orders electronically - via phone or internet, these services are a blessing in disguise to new investors. This is just another business which has spawned because of the internet. What will be next? I just read about a company in SJ offering real-time quotes to alphanumeric pagers. You have so much control over your own destiny now but the question is, how well can you control it? What it comes down to is still the basic principles of 'making it' - patience, research, and a bit of luck. Sure all the information out there are making us infinitely more knowledgeable about the companies we invest in, but not necessarily wiser. A lot of diligence goes into deciding what stock to buy, not unlike what school to attend, what job to work at, what prince/princess you would like to have a family with. 
Stanford won the "Big Game" today, did you know? It was against Cal (UC Berkeley), a traditional rivalary dating back over 100 years. I only saw parts of the game but at least the competition was better than MIT/Harvard, Yale/Harvard, or Yale/Brown, not that I've seen any of these three matchups. But it's sort of a given fact that MIT suck in football (are they still in division 4 or something?), oh but there have been some historical pranks.... so I hear =) Gosh, this isn't like me to talk about stocks and football in two consecutive paragraphs. Ask me to name one person on Stanford's team and i'll be like "huh?". But I do follow the market a bit more cuz afterall, it's pretty neat, and if you follow the market and what it has done in the past, you'd see that the general economic conditions of US followed the market (or vice-versa). So now, if someone asked you what the economic state of the US was at any time during the last 100 years, all you would have to do is to look up Dow Jone's historical chart and say "here was the great depression", "here we had the oil crisis", "here the market ran amuck and crashed", "and here is a stretch of prosperity for all (well, not all.. but definitely the brokers)". And so Saturday night begins.

Why do people do what they do? Why do you do things? Are you a puppet played by some force beyond your own will power? Are you being played by someone else? By yourself? First rule of success, believe in yourself. Ok, i don't know if that's really the first rule of success but that sounds good at this moment. Sure it helps if others praise your abilities but it is still YOU yourself that has to believe in your abilities or else all praise will fall on deaf ears. Once you've recognized that you have control over what you do, perhaps the next step is to go out and do it. Don't do things you'll regret later, not the serious things anyway... there are lots of silly things you can do to pass the time and have a good laugh. Sometimes you might even take a risk, but make sure it is a calculated risk. And once you've made a mistake, take responsibilities and make up for the mistake through improvements in that same area or a different area of life.

Life isn't so crazy, everything has order and it's your responsibility to figure out how to order your life. If you don't know how, ask for help. Be embarrassed, be humiliated, but be true to yourself. Don't ask me why i sound so serious this time. I'm saying this to myself and to anyone else that such words may help. It's friday night, i should be out, but that's ok. I have a plan, not just a dream. Peace. 

Hi you all. I don't know why I decided to put up this page, just seemed the thing to do at this point of my life. As if writing this and letting anyone be able to see it is going to make any difference? Perhaps it's better thought of as just a page of thoughts. You know how sometimes you can think all you want in your mind but until you start writing it down, you've missed a few things? 
So what's going on? Here I sit in my room listening to some angelic music (new age mix) at almost 1 in the morning... still a few more hours and there's still work - Friday.. I guess Friday ain't so bad but when you're bored at work, Friday can be both a blessing and a curse. I suppose it's more a blessing, most fridays are.. until you realize you'll be alone again in the weekend. Let me not get into that for now.
 

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